Friday, January 23, 2015

Why Do I Worry What People Think Of Me

Why Do I Worry What People Think Of Me
Most people think that being an introvert signifies the state of being alone. Oftentimes, people think of an introvert as a shy type of person. But this is really not true. Actually, being shy does not really have anything to do with being an introvert. This is in view of the fact that shyness is usually influenced by the feeling of uneasiness, nervousness and worry. On the other hand, an introvert may also be shy to a certain extent. But it does not necessarily mean that being introvert and being shy are exactly the same. When we say an introvert, it refers to an individual who is enthusiastic by being alone and who tends to worry what people think of me.

If you are an introvert, then, most likely, you always ask yourself the question "why do I worry what people think of me." Do you know that the majority of the introverts in the world are more concerned with the inner state of the mind? The worry what people think of me situation only shows that introverts take pleasure in imagining, discovering their way of thinking and emotions. They frequently stay away from social state of affairs for the reason that their energy seems to get drained when they are being surrounded by people. This is really true despite the fact that they possess good social abilities. After being around some people for quite some time, like when they attended a party, introverts need some time on their own so as to revive their energy.

When you are in a "worry what people think of me" situation, it is just natural that you need some time to be alone. You might think that this is a sign of sadness or depression. But it's not. It is just a natural feeling that most introverts experience. Being alone means that you just want to revitalize in order to get your energy back after being around people. Being around people, even with those whom you love and you are at ease with, can hinder you from your need to be silently deep in thought and reflective. When you say introspective, this does not denote that being an introvert you do not have conversations with others. Of course, this is really not the case in most introverts. You also converse with others. But most of the conversations are usually concerning thoughts and insights.

There are several reasons why introverts tend to care on what others think of them. Come to think of it, when I worry what people think of me, I will only get frustrated and hurt. My precious time is also wasted. Based on the theory conceptualized by Carl Jung, the introverts are more concerned with their inner self. This only means that introverts are the type of person who is self-contemplative. They tend to think and discover their inner feelings and sentiments.

When your thinking is always focused on the notion of worry what people think of me, you will really not enjoy life. You should realize that what others think of you is not really important at all. Stop worrying about the perception of others about you. This way you will have the right outlook in life.

Origin: pickup-and-love.blogspot.com

Things To Avoid On A First Date

Things To Avoid On A First Date
"Don't ruin your first date by saying something bad"

First dates are always tough. The two of you are just getting to know each other and your nerves probably have you worried and excited. You want to make a good impression, but you also don't want to deal with completely changing yourself for someone who may not even like you. Some men go on first dates thinking that if a woman can't handle them the way they are, then that woman isn't worth their time. While that is an okay way to think, it may limit the type and the amount of women you date. If you really want to be able to impress any type of woman you take on a date, there are a few things you need to do to make sure that she doesn't leave never wanting to see you again.

WATCH WHAT YOU EAT


"Do not eat something that you are allergic to"

As much as we like to impress women, you have to keep in mind that there is definitely a thing as being too flashy. If you take her on a dinner date, stick to a restaurant that's in your price range. If you decide to take her to an expensive restaurant, let her know that you saved up for this date. She will be impressed that you cared enough to do so.

You may also want to consider taking her to a restaurant you've been to be before, or to at least order a meal with food that you are familiar with. There is nothing worse than going out to dinner with a beautiful woman only to find out that you have just eating something that you're allergic to, or something that completely turns your stomach upside down.

Do not order for her. You may have seen it get great results in a movie, but in real life, it doesn't work. Even if she tells you what she'll be having, let her order her own food. We found out the hard way than when you order a woman's food, it makes her think that you're too controlling.

BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU SAY


You're a grown up, we know. But you still want to make sure that every other word you say isn't a swear word. Get a handle on your potty mouth before your date. Even if your date is fun and flirty, she may still be turned off if you seem to be cursing too much. A little bit of profanity never killed anyone, but keep it light.

Also, make sure that you don't go overboard with your flirting. You should definitely flirt with her, but don't throw too many suggestive comments or blatant innuendos at her. It may be cute the first time you do it, but even cute things can become annoying if she has to hear it too much.

These are just a few things that you should avoid while on a first date. The things you need to avoid typically depend on the woman that you're dating. However, we've found that these tips work for all women in general. Don't forget to use them, so that you can hit the second date mark with ease.

The post Things to Avoid on a First Date appeared first on.

Origin: pualib.blogspot.com

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

5 Essential Skills For Contemporary Leaders

5 Essential Skills For Contemporary Leaders
"Guest post by Nan S. Russell:"

The great recession and economic crisis have accelerated shifts in how people view their work and their leaders. Studies confirm what many see - no longer are title and authority the driving force behind results. Leader credibility is down and the trust deficit is up.

The post-recession workplace harbors a new reality for leaders. At a time when discretionary efforts and intellectual property are essential to drive innovation and organizational growth, those who are able to earn natural and enthusiastic followers will deliver the best results. But, doing that means operating with the right actions, not the right titles.

Successful contemporary leaders will need uncommon behaviors grounded in 5 essential skills to reignite staff engagement, enhance influence, and build lasting results:

1. OPERATING WITH TRUST. In a world where it's hard to differentiate a real photograph from one created by computer wizardry, and more people trust infomercials than organizational leaders, trust is the new workplace currency. Trustworthiness is now the number one quality people want in their leaders. But operating "with authentic trust" requires more than behavioral integrity, the alignment of words and actions. It also requires performance trust, self-trust, and relationship trust.

2. BECOMING AN INDEPENDENT THINKER. Bandwagon "solutions" for the ills troubling organizations or employees are often gobbled up by leaders and reinforced by trade and business publications featuring successful examples of the "new" thinking or approach. Yet complex problems plaguing most groups and businesses don't have bandwagon solutions. Successful leaders are not herd followers. They cultivate an active personal practice of curiosity, alternative perspectives, expanded sources, and challenging assumptions.

3. APPLYING DEPENDABLE POLITICS. Getting things done the "right way" is what it means to apply dependable politics at work. "Right" in this context implies operating with ethics, integrity, and a positive use of influence others can count on. It means building lasting relationships. To do that requires an understanding of healthy conflict and the power of stories, plus a consistent application of c's: collaborate, cooperate, consider, and contribute.

4. ENABLING TRANSITION AFTER CHANGE. Who would you follow? Someone having difficulty handling the constancy of change, or someone who practices and uses tradition tools to move themselves and others forward? Enabling transition requires choosing growth, even for change you did not choose, and reinventing yourself along the way. It also requires helping those you lead do the same. Transition follows change. Enabling it is an essential skill.

5. BEING SELF-AWARE. Authentic leadership yields natural followership. It springs from self-awareness, and understanding one's own thoughts and actions, and how they impact others. Too many pre-recession leaders have focused only on outer-work. That's the skills, knowledge, information, or know-how. Contemporary leaders must add inner work to their skill palette to increase self-awareness. Both are needed to be a leader others will enthusiastically give their best ideas, discretionary efforts, and great work to in today's world.

While basic productivity and job presence can be bought, contemporary leaders with uncommon behaviors, anchored in these 5 essential skills, will be the ones igniting staff engagement, fueling innovative products and services, enhancing customer impressions, and rebuilding a thriving economy, regardless of their titles.

"NAN S. RUSSELL is author of three books including her latest, The Titleless Leader (May 2012, Career Press); "www.thetitlelessleader.com" She is a former Vice President of a multibillion dollar company, a national speaker, and a blogger for Psychology Today on the topic: Trust: The New Workplace Currency. She holds a B.A. from Stanford University and a M.A. from the University of Michigan, both in psychology. More at "www.nanrussell.com". "

Monday, January 19, 2015

4 Tips When Youre Caught In A Not So You Embarrassing Love Moment

4 Tips When Youre Caught In A Not So You Embarrassing Love Moment
Ever said or done something that turned into a "not-so-you" embarrassing love moment?

We ALL have (and yes we're raising our hands here too)...

So, what exactly are we talking about when we use the terms "embarrassing" or "not-so-you" love moments?

It's a moment where you might normally be kind and loving but you say or do something that certainly doesn't come off that way...

It could be that you were harsh or critical about someone you love behind their back, they find out about it and then because you value your love (or friendship), you've got some explaining to do...

If you're a woman, it might be the way you say NO to his desires to have some fun in the bedroom when you might ordinarily say YES...

If you're a man, it could be a sudden "performance issue" in the bedroom...

It could be agreeing to do something you didn't really want to do (and getting upset about it later)...

You get the idea...

An embarrassing or "not-so-you" love moment could be anything where you're simply not acting or reacting in a way that would be the most loving, kind or connecting way or not the way things would normally be for you.

So, what do you do in moments like these to bring some sanity to situation that could lead to an even bigger mess or require some even fancier dancing to get out of?

Here are some very simple love ideas that we think you'll find helpful in many situations...

And while we're thinking about it--the tragedy for many women and men who come to us for our one-on-one "Relationship Reverse" love coaching by telephone and skype is that the sometimes VERY difficult situations they

find themselves in could have (in many cases) been avoided if they had done some of the things we're about to share with you earlier...

So here are a few pointers about how to deal with situations like this...

Reference: quick-pickup-rules.blogspot.com

Friday, January 2, 2015

How Self Help Almost Killed Me And Is A Money Sucking Scheme Hurting You

How Self Help Almost Killed Me And Is A Money Sucking Scheme Hurting You
Click to watch the video that corporate trainers and self-help gurus don't want you to see as I uncover the industry-insider secrets which kill people. Learn the myths and dangers of self-help. What is shared in the video is not revealed below.

Self-help is an industry full of lies, myths, and dangers. It's a community of experts and everyday consumers that have techniques and ways of living to heal anxiety, treat depression, and generally improve the quality of life.

Self-help is the act of improving yourself without reliance on others. It extends beyond motivation books and popular psychology to include other ways humans communicate. There's forums, everyday conversations, seminars, webinars, and books.

The term "self-help junkie" was coined to describe someone who attends seminars and buys many books, DVDs, and CDs on the subject. Junkies fuel the 8 billion dollar industry in America alone.

Self-help addicts are sometimes like heroin addicts jumping between experts wanting their next fix. The educational sources become a source of comfort and security to avoid what really is going on as the junkies intellectualize lessons and never build the learning only possible from action. This article reveals the dangers of self-help some gurus wish you didn't know and how it almost killed me.

THE TWO DANGERS OF SELF-HELP


Pennsylvania clinical psychologist Dr John Norcross says self-help can damage you in two ways. Both are costly, time-consuming, and energy-depleting.

The first general danger of self-help is the direct harm. This includes a misdiagnosis or ignorance of a declining condition. Think of it like a well-intended mother issuing aspirin to remove a headache when the cause is cancer.

The dangers are real except with personal development the issues are not physical, but often mental and emotional. Selection of the right material to cure is tricky. A wrong decision can leave you worse off.

There's a lot going in your mind and body unknown to you. You can know your body is sick because you have a headache and feel weak, but you could have one of hundreds of potential health problems originating from poor eating, harmful drinking, disease, and so forth. Similarly, we are unaware of the hidden operations in the mind. It takes a humble attitude of acceptance to respect a lack of mental and emotional control over your life.

It takes a humble attitude of acceptance to respect a lack of mental and emotional control over your life.

The second general danger of self-help according to Dr Norcross is the indirect harm. You exhaust your physical, mental, and emotional efforts on something unsuccessful so you beat yourself up over an inability to change. Once you believe you cannot change, rarely do you change.

Think of self-help like a Do-It-Yourself job at home. You can probably do good landscaping, fix doors, place flooring, and paint. Books, television shows, and a few friends provide you with good advice. However, you would not remove the home's foundations, redesign its shape, or relocate it by yourself. Attempts to solve unknown problems or create something entirely new leaves you frustrated believing it cannot be done. People try to redo their minds from the ground up then unfortunately fall short of what they want and believe failure is destiny.

HOW ONE SELF-HELP MYTH NEARLY ENDED MY LIFE


The empowerment given through self-help usually originates from improving how you think. The motto is "think better, live better".

Thoughts are powerful, yet they are not everything contrary to what is preached by advocates of the law of attraction. To think your universe can form from thoughts alone is absurd.

An overt focus on thoughts ignores the side therapists attend to: emotions. Our thoughts influence our emotions and vice-a-versa, yet the influence is limited. You cannot think your way to emotional healing. Thoughts and rationalizations are "safe". It is easy to intellectually process your problems and talk about them with complete emotional disconnect when you are afraid of vulnerability that reveals and heals your real self.

I'll prove how intellectualizing and thinking stops emotional wealth. Dr Steven Hayes, founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), who I had the pleasure to work with for "Big Talkers", has a nice technique. Give the label of "good" or "bad" to the follow emotions:

* Happiness


* Anger

* Guilt


* Joy

* Sadness


* Shame

Done? I'm guessing you labeled happiness and joy as "good" and anger, guilt, sadness, and shame as "bad". Let's analyze these labels. What if your mother died. Is sadness bad? What if you punched your child. Is guilt bad? When you put this into perspective, the thoughts you attach to "negative emotions" shift.

If you believe embarrassment is bad, you avoid embarrassing situations and never build the confident social life you want. You spend life running from what you don't want.

How do you respond when something is bad? You avoid bad things because they represent pain. If you believe anger is bad, you avoid your anger, feel resentful, misunderstand people, and struggle to manage conflict. If you believe embarrassment is bad, you avoid embarrassing situations and never build the confident social life you want. You spend life running from what you don't want.

I almost killed myself because of emotional avoidance. I lived in depression trying to avoid things like anger, shame, and embarrassment because these were "bad feelings". Not letting feelings flow and trying to manipulate them increased their strength. (Watch the video shared at the top of this article filmed in my backyard for the dark truth about me.)

Dr Hayes says we have a dangerous habit of problem-solving with our mind. You need to stop critiquing the experiences in you and just let them flow. Observe them as they occur to you instead of worrying and trying to fix them. This is groundbreaking material I won't go into further detail because it's all covered in the Big Talk Training Course and "Big Talkers", which I highly recommend you get if this article resonates with you.

Some self-help teachers encourage emotional expression. Students may practice poor expressions of anger and assertiveness, however, then kill themselves like Sydney resident Rebekah Lawrence. This is an extreme case. My point here is to make you value the messages sent by your emotions and acknowledge thoughts are not everything.

POSITIVE THINKING MYTH


Feeling down or thinking negatively? This self-help CD will cheer you up, but not in the way its creators intended.

Positive thinking is taught everywhere. Every mental health professional I've heard recommends positive thinking. I teach it as well. For example, assume friendship when approaching others for conversation. Think others are already your friend before you talk to them. This reduces anxiety, creates attractive body language, and makes talking easy. Positive thinking helps you better interact with people and them interact with you.

The danger with positive thinking that I see in many "pseudo-spiritual aka law of attraction" teachings is they take positive thinking beyond what psychologists believe is healthy. Dr Norcross says flamboyant claims are made.

Cancer, rape, and poor-wealth do not consistently originate from misaligned thoughts. Victims are made to feel they squandered their mind. They are blamed for environmental influences. Self-blame is unnecessary contrary to what self-help teaches because it perpetuates resistance and shame.

With excessive positive thinking you may go to exorbitant lengths to avoid a problem by looking for the easy way out.

Your entire life is not a product of your thinking. With excessive positive thinking you risk building a life that excludes reality. You may go to exorbitant lengths to avoid a problem by looking for the easy way out. Positiveness becomes escapism.

Your comfort zone can stagnate along with the quality of your life through avoidance. Carl Jung says your dark-side (what you want to avoid) - not the light-side you probably love to focus on - contains the gold you seek. I look back on my life and see the areas where I took a step of courage to breach my comfort zone, transformed me. Look at your life and you will see the moments you acted in the face of fear created the greatest results. That is the core of transforming your social life with "Big Talk" and my coaching.

SELF-DISCIPLINE MYTH


Along similar lines as the exaggerated power of thoughts is the undue emphasis on self-discipline. Discipline is made to be the secret of change. We all know self-control and courage is important to help you confront what you prefer to avoid because it pushes you outside your comfort zone. The self-discipline myth depends on the definition of discipline.

Scott Peck in "The Road Less Traveled" says, "With total discipline we can solve all problems." The more I think about the statement, the more I see its truth. Again, though, it depends on what is meant by "discipline".

When self-discipline is understood as willpower, self-discipline is overrated - even dangerous. I've heard many people express discouragement over their lack of discipline when it's understood as willpower. They think something is wrong with themselves because they cannot change a habit like wake up early or quit smoking. Eventually they believe change is impossible because they have insufficient "discipline". We're made to feel as low-value humans for our innate habitual patterns.

Humans are autonomous creatures, not creatures of willpower. Studies prove 90% or more of your behavior is habitual. We think we are in conscious control of our lives, but we have behavioral and thought patterns repeating day-after-day. Your patterns simply vary in order.

This is not to say habits are permanent, yet they require focused effort and systems to assist change. How you use your limited willpower determines if you alter unwanted autonomy, remove a bad habit, and create the life you want.

It is sad most people waste their limited willpower on resisting people, thoughts, and feelings. Accepting a problem puts you in the game to fix or at least live with the problem. Acceptance means you humbly acknowledge your limited willpower, the degree you influence the problem, and the time it takes to stop what you don't want and get what you do want.

WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON WITH SELF-HELP AND YOU?

Four Self-Help Myths

* "Myth": Eliminate negative thoughts. "Truth": Jennifer Borton in a study found people who attempt to abolish negative thoughts obsess about them. What you focus on expands.

* "Myth": Focus on the positive when you're down. "Truth": Harvard professor Daniel Wegner found our limited mental resources cannot maintain our positive mood when we're in the blues. Create a gratitude list beforehand so thinking is minimal.

* "Myth": Exterminate guilt. "Truth": Guilt like all emotions contain a message according to Dr Harriet Haberman. Let guilt lead you to forgiveness and positive change.

* "Myth": Vent anger. "Truth": Iowa State University researcher Brad Bushman found pillow-punching and lifting weights may intensify anger. Reduce anger by distracting yourself through a comedy show, for example, but solve the problem that made you angry otherwise it'll repeat itself.

Can you see the pattern of problems in most self-help? Thoughts are not everything, emotions are overlooked, positive thinking is taken too far, and self-discipline is overrated. There is a sinister amount of focus on intellectualizing. This is what drives the self-help junkie. Any self-help junkie will tell you he struggles to use what he knows.

Change can feel impossible by yourself. Years go by as you become a self-help junkie and question whether your dreams can become a reality. It's okay to seek assistance from a therapist, counselor, or expert in your problematic area. Someone cannot drive you to change, but you cannot change without a drive to change.

How then do thousands of people around the globe change their life? Ad Bergsma in the "Journal of Happiness Studies" questioned whether self-help books help. Bergsma says hope is often what makes self-improvement programs effective. The downside of hope is it leaves you vulnerable to exaggerated claims and an empty wallet.

This post is not intended to degrade anyone or self-help. Authors and bloggers do their best to help, yet intention is not all that is needed to affect change.

Naming all self-help books bad or good is like saying all team leaders are bad or good. It is narrow-minded.

You can work on yourself with great results. Self-help empowers you to improve your relationships, move ahead in your career, make friends, and enjoy life more. You create your reality instead of feeling what is, will always be.

Personal development is key to my continuing growth. Self-help is just one part of it. I encourage it to be yours as well. Be aware the dangers of self-help and its myths shared in this article otherwise you risk wasting time, money, and effort - and ultimately believe something is inherently wrong with you.

If you read this to feel better about yourself, that was not my intent. Be honest about what you are avoiding. See the little control you have over your autonomous behavior. Invest in courses for your personal growth. Accepting these lessons could be your first-step towards change - and yes, I am giving you hope because there is hope.

The post How Self-Help Almost Killed Me and is a Money-Sucking Scheme Hurting You appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.

OTHER ARTICLES THAT MIGHT HELP YOU


* Why Problem Solving Doesn't Solve the Problem and the Real Solution to Permanent Change

* The Only "Cure" for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom

* Neuro-Linguistic Programming Presuppositions - 12 Rules to Change Your Reality

* Why People Remain Quiet, Shy, and Non-Assertive: The Benefits of Passive Behavior and Communication

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Review The Concubine Daughter

Review The Concubine Daughter

The Concubine's Daughter

by Pai Kit Fai

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

The Concubine's Daughter / 978-0-312-35521-0

I was excited about "The Concubine's Daughter" because the teaser write-up compared it to one of my favorite novels in recent memory, "Memoirs of a Geisha". Unfortunately, "The Concubine's Daughter" is not, in my opinion, anything like "Memoirs of a Geisha", and the best comparison I can offer is that it feels like a bare-bones, watered-down attempt at an Amy Tan novel.

"Memoirs of a Geisha", for all its faults, was populated by human beings, not caricatures. It was a realistic world, not a world of fantasy - where fathers sold their daughters, yes, but sold them because they would otherwise starve to death. Women were hateful and competitive towards each other, true, but with a good purpose and reason - they had been placed into a society where competition determined who lived and who died. In short, characters were complex and motives were ambiguous.

In "The Concubine's Daughter", however, there is no ambiguity and no shades of gray - characters are completely good or completely evil with no middle ground and, indeed, often without any reason. Within the first chapter, the scene is set - an aging, wealthy farmer has bought himself a fourth wife from a once-rich family. The qualities he desires in a wife are simple - he is a sadist and is attracted to the girl because her family and personal bearing are proud and haughty and he cannot wait to dominate and humiliate her in the bedroom. On their wedding night, he orders his other three wives to hold the girl down while he beats and rapes her, and he takes great pleasure in his attempts to "fill the "with sons".

When the hoped-for son turns out to be a daughter, he attempts to strangle the child and bury her in his field, as he has done with all his other daughters (except for the first one, who was brutally gang-raped and murdered at age 10, for no apparent reason except that the author must have had some kind of per-chapter 'rape quota'), and as "everyone else" in the village regularly does, and this deserves a closer look. I'm not Chinese and I've never even been to China, but I question the assertion that strangling all baby girls was just something that everyone in the village did, all the time. Even assuming that no one noticed that such a practice would mean no brides for the village sons when they came of age, even assuming that there wasn't a single sentimental father among the lot of them, it seems strange that a completely agrarian village of farmers would value females so little, when the bulk of the field work and all of the house work was being performed by the women of the house - after all, *someone* has to tend the fields while the master's sons are learning to read, and if not daughters, then who? There aren't any slaves to be seen, and servants have to be fed, clothed, and paid at least as much as children, so this "kill all girls" thing seems incredibly unlikely on a number of levels. I can certainly believe that some - perhaps most - of the baby girls would be murdered in a given society with certain dynamics, but to insist that *all* the men kill *all* the girls seems ridiculous and feels like further attempt on the part of the author to make all the men out to be evil demons rather than people, particularly when the "nice" men enter the novel and turn out to all rather suspiciously be at least partly European in birth.

The reason I compare "The Concubine's Daughter" to an amateurish attempt at an Amy Tan knockoff is that all the prerequisites are there: a multi-generational tale of mothers and daughters, covered with a strong layer of oppression from society in general and sadistic men in particular. The women are rarely better than the men - they mostly hate each other with very little reason, and beat children for fun. The first story feels lifted from "The Joy Luck Club" - the daughter's life and position are secured by a well-timed suicide by her mother, coupled with a strong dash of superstition from the patriarch of the family and a desire to avoid a life-long curse. All the raw emotion and interesting characters have been stripped out, though, and events rarely seem to make much sense, such as having a young girl persistently trapped in sexual slavery in a brothel and yet always managing to remain a virgin, which is a common "have my cake and eat it too" mistake with authors. Also here is the cardinal sin of the precocious fairy child that is more civilized, wise, and grown-up than her age and circumstances would allow - five year old girls who spend their entire life locked in a small shed do not tidy house and sweep the corners, let alone know how to speak or interact with people - how could they?

I really can't recommend this novel as providing any kind of deep insight into the culture it is claiming to portray.

NOTE: This review is based on a free Advance Review Copy of this book provided through Amazon Vine.

~ Ana Mardoll

View all my reviews