You have your friends but it may seem like their advice is along the lines of "you can get someone so much better" or "forget her, she isn't worth it." Of course you might think the 20 years you've been together and the 2 kids you have doesn't make hooking up with the first woman you can find as the best way to cope. Here are some tips just for you.
1) It may and probably will feel miserable for awhile. A break up is never pleasant- even if it is the right thing for individuals involved. If everything was the way you both wanted, you'd be together. Acknowledge to yourself that you will feel bad and it is OK. It may be counterintuitive but accepting you are going to feel bad (and actually feeling bad) can help you feel better. Recognize that if you were blindsided by the break up or your significant other left you that you might feel even worse. Remind yourself that this too shall pass and that you will live through the pain.
2) Keep busy. Yes, feel your pain but distract yourself also. Go out with friends (not just friends you shared as a couple.) Call your mom. Go skiing. Go to a movie. Go bowling. Go to a game. Take up hiking. Do the things that you love to do that your partner didn't like as much. Do the things you rarely have time for. Get out and do!
3) You may act out of character so try not to do or say things that will come back around. Driving by her house or work 22 times a day will not endear you to her. You know her passwords for some accounts or emails. You've never looked at them before so you ask yourself what it would hurt. You will not feel better doing this; it will be more ammunition for self doubts or bitterness.
4) You may act out of character (even more.) If you have children do not put them in the middle. At a time when you are not in midst of a break up and emotional upheaval you would never consider putting your kids in between you and your ex but remember during a break up sometimes good judgment goes out the window. Your kids don't need to know if their mom was having an affair or was a horrible, nagging uncaring person. First, you might even have a better opinion of her when you are not so angry or hurt. Second, this will cause rifts either between you and your children or their mom and the children. Children of any age are notoriously loyal to their parents. If mom really is a crazy nag, the kid will figure it out down the line but even if they do, she will always be their mom. Your kids don't need your help with forming opinions of their mother. Your responsibility is to try to keep the communication and relationships as open as possible.
5) Stay away from social media. You are still Facebook friends. You can make yourself crazy with all the what-ifs. You ask yourself who that guy is that guy in the photo from the park. She just checked in at that club. She never used to that. This will drive you crazy and not help you move forward. It is a way to hold on.
6) Talk it out with family and friends who are supportive. You may feel like all you do is talk about the break up for awhile. That is OK. It is a way to process and clarify your thoughts.
7) Get professional help. Men particularly often view therapists or counselors as a bunch of quacks or going to a professional as a sign of weakness. However, therapy can ensure you have this objective person to help you through this and listen. They can be a reality check they can help you figure out your next step and they can help you figure out your new normal.
8) You will figure out your new normal. Your routines will change. How you view yourself may change, your priorities might change. This is OK. Maybe you will learn to start dating again, maybe you'll decide to take some time alone or focus on your kids. You will figure it out.
9) You will be OK. In your darkest moments remind yourself that you will be OK. You will live, laugh and cry again.
There is no magic wand to get through a break-up. Utilize the tips above and figure out what else works for you. You can't change or control someone else's behavior but you can change your own thoughts, feelings, demeanor and actions to work on what you are looking for. You will figure out your new normal and it will be worth it.
Julie Fanning LCSW
Julie Fanning has a private practice in West Dundee, IL. She specializes in anxiety (including driving phobia) and dealing with life's transitions.
http://www.juliefanningcounseling.com/
http://www.juliefanningcounseling.blogspot.com/
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