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Many of your clients have probably heard the advice, "Don't go to bed mad." You may even have advised that yourself. And certainly, it's a great principle. HOLDING ONTO ANGER OVERNIGHT TO "PUNISH" A SPOUSE CAN KILL A MARRIAGE-AND A PRESSURE TOWARD RECONNECTION CAN SAVE ONE. So many struggling couples work hard to put this common advice into practice, hoping it will help them leave fewer doors ajar and minimize the hurt feelings swirling around in the whirlwind of yet another argument.
And yet... I've also seen (maybe you have, too) that FOLLOWING THAT ADVICE TO THE LETTER, WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING THE SPIRIT AND THE POINT BEHIND IT, CAN ACTUALLY TAKE A DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIP AND MAKE IT WORSE. Or even put unnecessary strain on a good one! I'd like to propose that we look at helping even more marriages by taking a little bit of the "timing "pressure off, even as we keep the "reconnection "pressure on.
Here's a bit of background: My latest social research project studied the happiest marriages to find out what they were doing differently from everyone else. I found a dozen little habits that seem to make a big difference-and one of them shocked me. Turns out, the happiest couples advise everyone, "Don't go to bed mad"-BUT THEY DON'T ALWAYS FOLLOW THEIR OWN ADVICE!
All of us have quoted Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry, yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. The passage has been interpreted to say we should never leave a problem unresolved overnight. And yet if you talk with your clients about "how "that advice works in real life, you could probably get most of them to admit THAT IT CAN BE UTTERLY EXHAUSTING "AND" COUNTERPRODUCTIVE STAYING UP UNTIL THE WEE HOURS, TRYING TO BRING CLOSURE TO AN ISSUE THAT HAS BECOME EMOTIONAL AND CONTENTIOUS.
Sometimes, we can get there, but sometimes....well...how many of us can always speak with patience, kindness, or rationality after we've beaten a point to death and it is way past our bedtime? Usually there's one spouse who feels the greater need to stay up and "close the window" than the other, which only piles new hurt and resentment onto whatever issue the couple was "already "dealing with!
FORTUNATELY, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.
Most of us don't know (I sure didn't) that in that Ephesians passage, Paul is actually quoting the Hebrew scripture found in Psalm 4:4. It starts with the same admonition but a very different prescription: "Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Think about it overnight and remain silent."
IT TURNS OUT, NOT SINNING IN YOUR ANGER IS THE COMMON THREAD, NOT "WHEN "THAT IS DONE. Psalm 4:4 might just be the key to helping some spouses avoid thinking "too" much when the light of reason has been blotted out by the moon.
I found the same thing in my research. When they can't get to closure, when hurt feelings are accelerating, when someone is going to say something they don't mean or agree to something they wish they hadn't.... THE HAPPIEST COUPLES SLEEP ON THEIR PROBLEMS AND TACKLE THEM THE NEXT DAY.
BUT IT IS VITAL TO NOTE THAT THEY "DO "TACKLE THEM. The less-than-happy couples were far more likely to ignore the hurt feelings the next day and just hope they went away. The happy couples didn't do that; if the hurt feelings were there, they dealt with it.
Beyond being wise about holding one's tongue and not saying something you'll regret later, there's another very important reason why being willing to sleep on it (at least sometimes) seems to matter to a happy relationship. Men "often" need more processing time than women before they can work through a disagreement-their brain is designed to need time to process what they are thinking and feeling "before they talk about it".
Women, by contrast, are more likely to need to thoroughly talk things over, even if it's late and a full day of work is looming. A woman will also feel an urgent need to make sure the relationship is still okay whenever it feels like a problem is creating a chasm between her and her husband.
SO IT "IS "VITAL TO ADDRESS THAT BEFORE HITTING THE HAY OR THE ONLY ONE GETTING A GOOD SLEEP THAT NIGHT WILL BE HIM! That may be as simple as the husband telling his wife, "Honey, since we're both so tired, let's finish this conversation first thing tomorrow-but I love you, and we're going to be okay." As long as he doesn't set a pattern of failing to follow through, his wife can learn to be receptive to this approach...especially if you, as the counselor, reassure her that it's okay as long as it is handled well.
"DON'T SIN BY LETTING ANGER GAIN CONTROL OVER YOU. THINK ABOUT IT OVERNIGHT AND REMAIN SILENT."
Clearly, if a couple is finding anger building overnight, then that is a pretty good signal that one or both is "letting anger gain control"-and the issue you are dealing with is forgiveness, not simply conflict. But by contrast, if either spouse can demonstrate humility in saying in a loving way, "I love you but we really need to sleep on this. I'm getting irritable and I know I'm about to say something that isn't kind and won't help us resolve this," then that's a good sign that anger does "not" have a hold over the couple.
Pointing to Psalm 4:4 can put clients' minds at ease that THEY ARE HANDLING THINGS IN A HEALTHY WAY, AND AREN'T ABOUT TO GET DIVORCED just because they aren't following advice that-it turns out-has for too long been misunderstood to begin with.
SHAUNTI FELDHAHN, MPP, is a popular speaker, best-selling author and social researcher. After receiving a graduate degree from Harvard, Shaunti started out on Wall Street, but now applies her analytical experience investigating surprising truths that impact our lives and relationships. Her books, such as For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, have sold more than two million copies in 22 languages. She has been featured in media as diverse as Focus on the Family and The New York Times. For more of Shaunti's research and findings, see the Leaders section of her website here and sign up for her quarterly Leader's newsletter "Helping You Help Them" here.
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