Collage298

Collage 298 H u m o u r N e t 29 SEP 96::snip administrivia::By way of closing out the "PC" topic, I've been meaning to announcethe existence of an hysterical new mailbot on the 'Net: The "JiveTranslator." This server, located in Switzerland, will translate anye-mail message into "jive." Try it -- it's a trip. Just send any[straight text] e-mail message to this address: jive@ifi.unizh.chYou'll love the results. OTOH, much of the "jive" isn't exactly*readable* -- which is why I send "jiveified" messages to my sisterfor translation. She teaches second grade in Newark, New Jersey(inner city, for those of you who are lucky enough to be unfamiliarwith Jerzey), and thus is fully "ANSI Jive" compliant.But the *best* aspect of having a sister who teaches second grade isall of the amusing stories she can tell; these kids can fill up aCollage entirely on their own. By way of example, I'll relate thefollowing rather amusing anecdote...Dotty ("Sis") had injured her spine about a year ago, most likelyduring intense sexual activity. (She *claims* that there was nodirectly identifiable cause, but we all know what THAT means. Plus,*my* theory is so much more colorful.) So, for a while, she waswearing a neck brace to school, though primarily just for sympathy.(Pointer for all the "sisters" in the audience: Never let yourbrother become a humor-list moderator; he will use it to hisadvantage in a vain attempt to compensate for your having made hischildhood a living hell. ;-) Anyway, when she showed up one day*without* the neck brace, one of her students inquired: "Miss Sabio, why did you leave your casket at home?"And he was one of the *bright* ones... Of course, second-grade talk is hardly unique to the inner city;"kid speak" is, I'm convinced, one of the primary sources ofentertainment in the teaching profession. I've given presentationsof various sorts for local school systems, at grades "K" throughhigh school -- but my favorites, by far, are the presentations forthe little ones.Several years back, during Desert Storm, I gave a presentation onthe PATRIOT missile system -- quite a topical news story, at thetime -- to several classes in grades K through 8. After a shortpresentation to one of the kindergarten classes, a student raisedhis hand to ask me, "Why are we mad at Saddam?" The kindergartenteacher later commended me for successfully sidestepping hisquestion. (By "sidestepping," I think she meant "did not burst outlaughing at.")Another gem came last year, when I was giving a demonstration on"electronics" to a fifth-grade class in Silver Spring, Maryland.After discussing circuits and switches and light bulbs and fuses,this one boy just *had* to ask me, "When the electric company turnsoff your electricity, how do they know which house is yours?"I'm sure his parents would have been darned proud of him for *that*one. And I'm sure the parents of some of the kids mentioned in today'sCollage would be *just* as proud...Kevan in South Portland, Maine, sends us an account of kiddie"Confusion";Perri in Columbia, Maryland, (with an assist from Brian in SilverSpring, Maryland) sends us "From The Mouths Of Babes";Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia -- one of several early-childhoodeducators on the list -- contributes the all-too-true "Kids' PropertyLaws";Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator, assumes responsibility for"Risky Business," and moves us into the 'pregnancy' humor section,with "Nonstandard Creamer";Jeff in New York City contributes "Paybacks, Take 1";Leah in Israel contributes "Paybacks, Take 2";and Walter in Ottawa, Canada, sends us his own true account of"Frustrated Fathering."Also along the lines of kiddie-related humor is "Death Star Daycare,"contributed by Scott in Rockville, Maryland. "Death Star Daycare" iscurrently on the Web page, and is in the HumourNet Archives as"death star daycare.txt".Many thanks to our Kiddie Humor Collage contributors!Enjoy...- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": ConfusionSeveral years ago, my uncle rented a camp in central Maine. Alongon the trip was a couple and their kids.The youngest one, who was probably five or six at the time, hadnever seen an outhouse before, and didn't quite know what to make ofit. He was able to use it, but came back to his mother after thefirst time he used it -- and reported that the toilet didn't flush.
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SUBJ: From The Mouths Of Babes* Kids on Marriage"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to giveher back to her parents"-Eric, 6"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose tothe girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or atleast until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do oneparticular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wonderingwhat the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't waitto find out."-Anita, 9* How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry?"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tailsmeans you try the next one."-Kally, 9"My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'lldo... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."-Carolyn, 8* Concerning the Proper Age at Which to Get Married."Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."-Carolyn, 8"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"-Bert, 5* How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went fora drive, but their car broke down.... It was a good thing, becauseit gave them a chance to find out about their values."-Lottie, 9"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won'ttell me what kind."-Jeremy, 8* What Do Most People Do on a Date?"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usuallygets them interested enough to go for a second date."-Martin, 10"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk aboutlove."-Craig, 9* When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy hera big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of thewedding."-Allan, 10"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thingif anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing totry it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."-Kally, 9* The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"-Kirsten, 10"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys needsomebody to clean up after them"-Anita, 9"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid.I don't need that kind of trouble."-Will, 7
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SUBJ: Kids' Property Laws1. If I like it, it's mine.2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.8. If I saw it first, it's mine.9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, itautomatically becomes mine.10. If it's broken, it's yours!
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SUBJ: Risky BusinessA salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and was greeted by anine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the boy, "Is your motherhome?"The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet,and asked, "What do *you* think?"
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SUBJ: Paybacks, Take 1If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
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SUBJ: Paybacks, Take 2A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birthThe doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine, and askedif the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take som the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the fatherto ease the mother's burden.Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it atry.The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the manthat even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd everexperienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain hewas feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still feltfine, he raised it to 50 -- and finally 100 percent.After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little.Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospitalto take the baby home.It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
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SUBJ: Nonstandard CreamerA woman at our interactive advertising agency recently returnedfrom maternity leave, and sent the following e-mail:"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was inthe refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would findit forever difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria tablewhilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity."Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son, if you getmy drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you foundyour coffee tasted just a little bit special, you might think ofcalling your mom and telling her you love her."
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SUBJ: Frustrated FatheringAt our first pre-natal class, the instructor went around the roomasking the couples to introduce themselves. When my turn arrived, Istood up, and said, "My name is Walter, and I'm an expectant father.It's been three months since I had sex."
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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