Collage308

Collage 308 H u m o u r N e t 29 OCT 96Sorry, but this is going to be something of a "budget" opener (*time*budget, that is). I would, however, like to remind everyone whoappreciates the time that I *do* put in on HumourNet (openers suchas this notwithstanding) that there is a means to show yourappreciation; from the current "Welcome" message...I volunteer my time to run this list; I receive no compensation forit except knowing that people are enjoying the material I present.However, if you find that you enjoy HumourNet, and you appreciatethe time that goes into producing it, then please consider sendinga contribution in the name of "HumourNet Communications, Ltd." toThe Seeing Eye in Morristown, New Jersey: The Seeing Eye, Inc. Washington Valley Road Morristown NJ USA 07960 Phone: 201-539-4425 POC: Rosemary Carroll(You can visit their home page at )In case you're not already familiar with them, The Seeing Eye is adog guide school -- that is, they train dog guides for the blind.This is a rather non-controversial charitable organization, and onethat is of great personal interest and importance to me. Please notethat I have no direct association with The Seeing Eye, except that Imake regular contributions to them.I'd appreciate your letting me know if you send a contribution; notethat this is strictly voluntary, and I'm not interested in the amount.You can just send me an e-mail here at HQ HumourNet to let me know.(The interested subscriber can refer to Collage 290 for the genesisof this rather neat idea. I'd also like to thank Arthur in the U.K.for suggesting it.)Collage 308 is, appropriately, a "Miscellaneous Humor" Collage, withthanks as follows:Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia, takes credit for "The Red Shirt";Brad in Wellington, New Zealand, sends "Boob Tube Barbie";Anthony in Pleasanton, California, provides us with "Dragon Lady";Brendon in Sydney, Australia, sends us "Babes Galore";Leonard in Houston, Texas, contributes "Ooops!";and Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator (see your "Welcome" messagefor instructions on subscribing to our sister list, "Bawdy.Net"),sends along a seasonal piece, "Top 15 Vampire Complaints."Another huge thanks to our contributors. Enjoy!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": The Red ShirtApparently by Dick CavettLong ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crewwere in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew becamefrantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my redshirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirateboarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew,the pirates were repelled.The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's eventswhen an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did youcall for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving theensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I amwounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and thusyou men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence,marveling at the courage of such a man.The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two piratevessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but thecaptain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again,the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled bothboarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirateships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The menbecame silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usualcommand.The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
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SUBJ: Boob Tube BarbieBy Greg SpringFrom the LA Times MagazineReprinted w/o permissionThe recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.After all, both companies have made millions off airheads withflawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.[Editor's Note: I assume there's a *problem* with that? ;-) ]If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certainto follow. Some possibilities:Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie DreamApartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free.Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and anarrest warrant.Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers otherhomesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on thePlains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years ofcrime against feminism.Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actuallyspeaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how toughmath class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kenswho wear Barbie's clothes.My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regularteens who don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfectbods.Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is exploredwith this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated fromhigh school, married too young and ate too much.Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbieset (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dollsmysteriously disappear.
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SUBJ: Dragon LadyAn 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came toa roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."He knocked.The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window."Could ye spare some victuals?"The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted."Could I have a pint of ale?"No!" she shouted."Could I at least use your privvy?"No!" she shouted again.The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish."D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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SUBJ: Babes GaloreHeard this one on Sydney radio 2WS-FM last week after a discussionabout the birth of Madonna's baby:Q: What do Heidi Fleiss and her father have in common?A: They both deliver babes to Hollywood celebrities.
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SUBJ: Ooops!A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers.The guy says, "Who is this?"This is the maid," answered the woman."We don't have a maid!"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I justfigured was her husband."Now he guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like tomake 50,000?"What do I have to do?"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot thatwitch and the jerk she's with."The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by aa couple of gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"Throw them in the swimming pool!"What pool?"Uh... is this 832-4821?"
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SUBJ: Top 15 Vampire ComplaintsFrom the "Top Five List," top5@walrus.com, 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.14. NutraSweet(tm) or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling,"Look Ma! It's Elvis!"10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to findclean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs aresuddenly off-limits.6. No warm blood for miles around DC.5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized"hardbodies."2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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*.To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to.>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in thetext wherever possible.