by Phyllis Neumann, MFT My husband and I recently celebrated our 50th anniversary, and I started thinking about what has kept our marriage alive all these years at a time when so many couples are getting divorced. Living together with another person can often be a difficult task. Relationships take effort to maintain - they need to be nurtured and fed, never taken for granted. Below is a list of factors that may help you to understand what it takes to nurture and maintain a successful relationship. LEARN HOW TO PLAY TOGETHER. Plan to spend time together at least once a week. Make a fun activity out of doing the simplest things together - walking the dog, shopping for groceries or cooking a meal. Stroll along the beach, stop for coffee along the way - and talk. Don't cram too many things into the day - relax and enjoy each other's company. RESPECT EACH OTHER'S OPINIONS. Sensing when to get off your personal soapbox is hard, but essential. You might not always agree with what your partner has to say, but it is important to give him or her the chance to say it. Be open to a different opinion. This can lead to enjoyable dialogues between the two of you. Be careful, however, not to try to convert your partner to believe what you believe - that will tend to put him or her on the defensive, causing a shutdown in communication. THERE SHOULD BE NO FEAR BETWEEN YOU. This is critical. Each of you should enjoy equal status in the relationship, with neither of you wielding more power over the other. You should not feel intimidated or threatened by your partner in any way. For a relationship to feel comfortable and safe, fear of rejection, abandonment or even violence should never play a role. DON'T BE AFRAID TO FIGHT, BUT LEARN HOW TO FIGHT FAIR. Verbal fighting may often be a necessary evil. If most arguments are worked out while still in their formative stage, they don't get a chance to escalate into more intense, volatile feelings. Tell your partner when your feelings have been hurt, and then talk about it. You need to be able to say what you feel without being afraid of the consequences. Name-calling or hitting below the belt should always be avoided. Also, avoid threats of retaliation or getting even, which generally tend to deepen and prolong the fight. APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU ARE WRONG. Apologizing can be a humbling experience and should be treated respectfully. Your apology should be sincere when you give it, and appreciative when you receive it. Be patient. Apologies and thank-yous may be slow in coming, but they tend to bring positive results. LEARN HOW TO NEGOTIATE SO THAT BOTH OF YOU GET YOUR NEEDS MET. This part is tricky and takes a bit of work. In working out a decision or disagreement, both of you should feel that you are being heard and respected. At the end of a successful negotiation, both sides should feel that they won - and both of you should feel satisfied with the outcome. Appreciate each other's assets. We all need lots of emotional and physical strokes. Make a special effort to tell your partner what you appreciate about him or her - over and over again. If you make that special effort to make your partner feel good, it will be returned to you tenfold. Share your vulnerability with each other. Don't be afraid to expose your softer, more vulnerable side. Share your tears and fears, as well as your joys and excitement. Be able to give and also to receive comfort and support from each other without fear of ridicule or disdain. SUPPORT EACH OTHER'S INTERESTS. You and your partner should be free to pursue your own interests without being made to feel guilty for having them. You don't need to be an active participant in your partner's interests, but both of you should be free to pursue them. MOST OF ALL, FIRST BE YOUR OWN PERSON. Your partner cannot complete you. You are already a complete and unique individual in your own right, with your own interests and opinions. It's very important that you embrace, and even celebrate, that uniqueness and individuality. "Phyllis Neumann is a licensed marriage and family therapist working with individuals and couples. She has an office in Half Moon Bay and can be reached at 650-726-8199, or by email at phlluaolcm." The post Secrets to a Successful Relationship appeared first on Coastviews Magazine.
0 comments:
Post a Comment